I adore the Christmas season. The birth of our Savior, the decorations, the hustle and bustle of shopping, the parties, the time with friends, and the time with family. It surrounds me in all of it’s loveliness. At the same time every year I experienced a deep loneliness that at times can crowd the goodness of everything else.
To be honest, most of the year I am content in my singleness. I know at this season of my life it is where I am suppose to be. I do have moments where my heart wishes for that special someone but most days are good days. Only two events each year cause such loneliness that at times I think my heart physically hurts. My birthday is one of those times. I cannot help but to wish every year that I had someone special to share my day with. The other time is the Christmas season. From the day after Thanksgiving until the new year I feel so lonely.
The loneliness comes and goes and at times hits when I least expect it. I will be getting ready for work and wish I had someone to share my bathroom sink. I will be driving in my car on my way somewhere and wish I was not driving alone. With loneliness also comes the depression, or the jingle bell blues as I like to call them. To me if there is anything worse than loneliness it is depression and loneliness. A lingering sadness that something is missing.
Every Christmas I would wish and pray for the same thing. Every Christmas that wish and prayer goes by, unanswered. And I wonder…am I doing something wrong, why is it that I wish and pray and nothing comes of it? And sooner or later the same questions would pop into my head, What is wrong with me? Do I not deserve happiness? Does God dislike me so much that He does not see me as a fit person to be a wife and mother? The questions spin around in my mind over and over. At times I felt like putting my hands over my ears and yelling, stop! Soon I am obsessed with finding fault with myself and my insecurities start showing up in big ways. I become overwhelmed.
Last year after my 30th birthday I decided that cycle had to stop. I started a journal specifically about my singleness and my desire to be married. I also went to the Word and started specifically memorizing verses that told me how much I was loved. God immediately reminded me of my favorite verse. It was a verse that He gave me more than five years ago and it would become one of my mantra’s over the next several months.
The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17 (NIV)
Everything I need from Him was in that verse. In The Message version God is called a mighty warrior. I needed someone to save me from the cycle I was in, He was there. I needed someone to delight in me and be my constant, He was there. I needed to know someone loved me no matter what, and once again He was there. In many ways it was the beginning of my journey toward loving Jesus more and knowing how very much He loved me.
Other things that helped was the book of 1 John and several songs that are still among my favorites. I started surrounding myself with reminders of His Love. A cross on my bookshelf as a reminder of His death. Beside the cross sits a rock to remind me of His conquering of death. I started having tea with Him. I would fix a cup of tea in a certain cup, shaped like a heart, and sit down with His Word and my journal. I became intentional in my relationship with Him.
From October to December my life changed tremendously. I became a more content person in all areas of my life. I was not only happy but joyful. Of course I was very nervous about Christmas because I was doing so well and I knew if anything would bring me down Christmas would. In the midst of all that God laid a blog post on my heart about my singleness. I wrote it but instead of hitting publish I saved it as a draft. Finally on December 15th I hit publish. It was during that prayer time the following day that I was given my word for 2009. Journey. That post along with all the others things was a first step. A step into learning and trusting and Journeying with Jesus. As I look back over the last 12 months I cannot help but be in awe of everything He has done in me and in my life. He brought me to a place of contentment in my single life, He brought me some fabulous friends. He brought me to Exemplify and then to this column. After this year I cannot help but look forward to the journey 2010 brings!
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