Great Expectations
By joannek
26. Jan, 2010 
11 Comments
Great expectations. It’s not just the title to a Charles Dickens book. It’s also the burden that buries itself in the deepest recesses of the American marriage. Most often, it’s expecting someone to do something we would do in the same situation. I have suffered many years from great expectations and the conflicts that came from them. Most often, my expectations rear their ugly heads during special occasions. I’ve made the same mistake too many times. I expect my husband to know what I want or like. Women seem to be much better at knowing these kinds of things, at least the women I know do. Expecting my husband to know things he could get me for birthdays and holidays without telling him first, was a big rooky-wife mistake.
One year, for my birthday, I couldn’t wait to open the gift my husband had gotten me. I expected it to be stupendous. After all, I’d given him clues to what I wanted for weeks. Instead of the gardening tools, books, or CD’s I’d suggested I’d love, my husband gave me a chalkboard with a bit of French flair. Not only was there no place to hang this thing in my kitchen, I didn’t have anything French in my home, nor had I ever asked for anything French or chalky. After I erupted in tears, to make matters worse, I discovered this item was purchased half-off at a drugstore on his way home from work. THAT NIGHT.
Mother’s Day 2001, I’d given birth to our fourth child six weeks before. I expected a bounty of gifts from my husband after giving birth to a ten pound son. That morning, three of our older children ages two through nine filed into my bedroom to give me a kiss and whispered to me that Daddy hadn’t taken them to get me anything for Mother’s Day. Being a postpartum ball of hormones, you can imagine my response. The plant I was given by him later that afternoon was purchased from a man on a street corner who tried to give him a deal on a Harley Davidson throw rug. My expectations crashed and shattered against my longings once again.
Before you begin to think my husband is the worst of all husbands. I have to share a few things about him with you. My husband works two jobs so I can stay home with our children. His concerns are filled with mortgage payments, college tuition and medical bills. While my concerns include how much milk we have in the fridge, did the kids finish their homework, and whether or not my black necklace works with my grey striped shirt.
He allows me the freedom to pursue my God-given passion of writing, and has encouraged me to follow every dream I have ever had, regardless of how monumental or insignificant. He regularly watches our children so I can attend writer’s groups, Bible studies, and conferences, including a five-day speaking engagement I had in Florida this year. He tells me daily that I’m beautiful, calls me numerous times every day just to see how I’m doing, and has never once used a foul word in anger towards me. He adopted our two oldest children when we were married, and never gets upset over dust-bunnies, or soap scum in our shower, or when I sign him up for things at church. Which I do often.
After twelve years of marriage, my expectations have changed. I no longer expect my husband to bring me joy. This is God’s job, not his. “The joy of the Lord is my strength.” Neh. 8:10 I no longer believe happiness comes in the form of gifts. My husband brings me joy and happiness in so many other ways. Those are the things I try to focus on when Valentine’s Day and Easter roll around. Now, I look forward to the joy of the simple things, like taking a drive and holding hands, walking to the coffee shop and reading the newspaper, sharing lunch together, or watching a movie together snuggled up on the couch.
As I’ve learned not to expect, I’ve been blessed with an abundance. Things like joy, contentment, peace, all come much easier now. No longer manufactured by Hallmark or the obligatory reason. As I’ve removed the burden of great expectations from the shoulders of my precious husband, I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the unexpected.
Amen and well said! When we lay down what we think we want or deserve we’re free to relish the abundance that we receive!
As a girl who grew up expecting John Cusack in my husband {I’m a dork for the 80s} let me just say, AMEN! Thanks for the encouragement to live in the now, abundantly and gratefully!
My husband and I work together in our own business, and there are lots of times when money is really tight, and stress is high. I know he loves me, and I love him, but romance seems far away some days. The most precious gifts he has ever given me, besides our children, are the poems he writes and the pictures he draws for me. They are sporadic hobbies for him, but are treasures for me.
That is so true, I can’t agree more. expectations chnage with time, and God is the one to deliver those exprectations.
God bless you.
I had to let go of my early expectations, too. And then I realized that God gave me an amazing example of His love in the form of my husband. How can anything surpass that?
What an amazing reminder for ALL of us. Thank you so much for sharing this, Joanne (hehe the other one)
Thank-u Joanne, This has helped me so much. What a great reminder for all of us wives!
Well, we’re moving along into our 13th year milestone as well. So many similarities we share, sister. After twelve years, I no longer expect great gifts at Christmas. One because our budget doesn’t allow for expensive gifts; two because after the year he bought me “sharpies” (in a variety of colors) I decided to purchase my own special gifts.
Truly, I don’t need a thing in the world from him. His love is more than enough, and he if puts his clean clothes away, we’re good to go for another week.
I’ve been so very blessed this second time around. We all have. He is my Ephesians 5:25.
Great article, friend.
`elaine
aha…the voice of experience. The first five or six years of our 29 year marriage, I held onto expectations, but when I let go of them….I got so much more in return. And it works both ways…my husband had some expectations to let go of also………now we just appreciate what we do have and don’t worry about what we don’t have. Great article Joanne..even if you won’t come water my lawn
Being a newlywed of about 7 months, I really enjoyed this post. My husband has never done anything super dooper romantic, but has tried to do so
He has bought me a total of 1 rose (I still have that rose even though it was over 2 years ago). And that’s OK! Sometimes I wish we had a relationship like in the movies where we go out to dinner and I get roses all the time, but that’s so unrealistic. God has blessed me with a loving husband – I have the REAL THING! Amazing. I shouldn’t ruin it with unrealistic expections.
So true. This is so timely. I needed this today. Much thanks!