Case in point, the cracker wars.  That’s what I dubbed this lesson God is working on within me.  I know my love language is affirmation and if I’m feeling insecure, I go on the defensive.  This season I’m trying to juggle widening my writing and public speaking ministry, construct a website I can only take so far, juggle previous writing assignments, a children’s newsletter ministry, and be the wife and mom I committed to be.  It’s not going the way I wanted in the time frame I wanted and instead of praising God for it, I seem extra insecure.  So when my husband walked the kids to the bus stop and out of curiosity opened the youngest’s lunch box, it was on.

He jogs inside and starts flinging open cupboards and drawers.  I stand there, arms folded, wondering.  I ask and hear that the crackers I packed are not sustaining.  I interpret this to read I’m a failure because he moves on to make a “real” lunch that involves a sandwich.

While he’s slapping peanut butter on a piece of bread, I’m explaining away.  Their lunch period lasts ten minutes.  She asked for the crackers.  They have peanut butter on them.  She eats them.  The sandwich is too much.  To no avail.

I confess when she got home, I ran to the lunchbox.  Crackers gone, sandwich untouched.  Score!

I then work a way to put this little fact into a conversation because I can’t leave well enough alone.  He’s the grocery getter so when he buys groceries, he gets crackers.  Six boxes, I believe.

I’m thinking I didn’t just win this, I slayed it.  This all from the marriage writer who constantly preaches oneness.  Nice…

The next week I start packing lunches, crackers of course.  I’m smiling and having that inner conversation that I know our kids and their needs and they want crackers!  I am good at this, thank you!  As I smugly slide the crackers in the bag, my husband pipes up.

He calls to the next room—would the youngest like a sandwich or crackers.

What?  I already won this, the answer is crackers.

She speaks up.

“I want a sandwich, I’m sick of crackers.”

I look and my husband has no emotion or proud look at all.  He’s a husband trying to help, a dad that lets kids be interactive in their choices.   The only war raging on is inside me.  My words, gestures, thoughts and actions were all choices to divide, not bring together.

Another concept I learned at the FamilyLife Marriage Conference sounds so simple but I wasn’t applying it: my mate is not my enemy.  Now when I feel defensive and want to think isolating thoughts, I remember who my husband is.  My mate, my partner, my friend, my lover.  He is not my enemy.

How about you?  Do you relate to anything in my story?  I encourage you to work with me on this concept: that your mate is not your enemy.  I’d love to hear your feedback, so please leave a comment.

I’ll pass on the crackers.

photo courtesy photobucket

Welcome to the Marriage Channel’s Zesty Friday.  This is the day we link up with Patty and Heidi’s Adding Zest to Your Nest website.

If you’ve never visited them before, let me assure you it is a safe place for Christian women to discuss, learn and grow in the area of sexuality.  There is a nice balance between the actual physical union and the spiritual concept of intimacy with the Lord and our husband.

Here are my top 3 choices for this week.  The first 2 come from Adding Zest.

1. Experience a passion that is greater than s*x. Check out Heidi’s post called “Full Exposure.”
2. Heidi shared some Intimacy Builder ideas over here. If you like being playful, this one’s for you.
3. Maybe being playful is hard for you.  Maybe intimacy period is hard because of having a sex-stained past.   This is written from the perspective of helping a friend who has confided in you about her past.  I’ve included it because I’m certain any woman could benefit from reading this post.  To read “A Sex-Stained Past?” head over to Take Root and Write.

In this hectic whirlwind of a life style most of us live, be sure to carve out some time for intimacy with your hubby this weekend.  You both be glad you did.

Our next Marriage Q & A is Wednesday, March 17.  If you have a question you’d like answered about anything pertaining to marriage, please email me at ExemplifyMarriageEditor@gmail.com.

Growing up in a home known for domestic violence, I didn’t really know what the purpose of marriage was.  I just figured my parents didn’t love each other and weren’t right for each other because the song promised that “Love can make you happy if you find someone who cares to give a lifetime to you and has a love to share.”

And thus began my search for the man that would make me happy.   A man willing to devote a lifetime to loving me and making me happy.

There you go, that’s six words, ‘loving me and making me happy.’  That must be it, or so I thought.

Some see marriage as a romantic love that intertwines two hearts as one, complete with body and soul.  Others see it as a commitment to perform duties like raising a family and providing for them for the rest of your life.  And then there’s the category that I fell under.  Marriage was supposed to make me happy.

The problem with all three of these views of marriage is they are needs-based, each person’s needs must be met by the other person in order for the marriage to work.  If we perceive in anyway that our needs aren’t being met, resentment, frustration, bitterness and alienation begin to send their poisonous venom into the marriage and it will die a slow, agonizing death that leaves scars in the memories of each family member.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.  Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.  Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 2:3-5

What if God’s design for marriage isn’t to make us happy, but rather to make us holy?  If we’re to live out the verse above in our Christian life,  wouldn’t you think that also means we’re to become that way in our marriages as well?

I promised you the purpose of marriage in 6 words:

Marriage for the glory of God.

What does it mean to be married for the glory of God?

1. God designed us to be married. He placed within us that desire to be married.  It’s His way of saying this is a good thing for you.   He knew when He made the original design that the fall would happen and 2 selfish, sinful people would be pinned one against the other at times.  Look at marriage as your greatest opportunity to grow in holiness because the two of you will encounter differences and they will need to be resolved based upon the truths of His word, not the latest how-to tips.  You will find yourself growing deeper and deeper in love with the Lord and He will enable you to demonstrate love to your husband in a whole new light.
   
2. Joy and fulfillment come from our relationship with God. That takes the pressure off our husbands when we are no longer needing him to provide the joy and fulfillment in our marriage.
3. Shapes us into the image of  His Son. Take a look at Romans 8:28,29.

Seeing the purpose for our marriages this way gives great hope for even the most difficult of marriages.  It’s a new mind-set, a new perspective; Marriage for the glory of God.

Marsha Harwood lives deep in the woods of western North Carolina with the love of her life, Mike, their dog, Lucky and an occasional bear that comes by to visit. Married for 36 years, they are blessed with 3 adult children and 6 grandchildren.

Marsha and her husband started Snowbird TEAM Ministries in 1998 to reach the Cherokee Indians and the poor of Appalachia for Christ. Her ministry is with at risk teen girls, pregnant teens and counseling women and children who have been abused. Growing up as a battered child, she understands the shame and fear that fills the hearts of abused women and children.

She can be found daily on her blog.

The first one comes from our friends over at Adding Zest.  Exemplify Online’s Christa Allan was a guest over at Adding Zest in October and wrote an article entitled The Magic Threshold. God desires us to transform difficult moments into acts of love.

The second article comes from FamilyLife Today and is entitled Five Keys to Your Man’s Inner Heart.  Meeting your husband’s romantic needs involves more than understanding the differences between men and women. It also means remembering what pleases him.

The last link for this week is a 4 minute video by Tim and Darcy Kimmel, posted by FamilyLife Today called Time & Sex.  Their delivery is hilarious, but oh, so true.

Have a wonderful weekend.  Be sure to make time to be enthralled in your hubby.

February is known as the love-month. Commercials have been sending us subliminal messages about what to buy our spouse for months now. No wonder I’ve been craving jewelry, and dinner out like never before. I’m easy when it comes to Valentine’s Day…chocolate, chocolate and more chocolate. Pretty simple.

Those of us who have been married more than the average Hollywood couple, understand that to have a successful marriage, there’s more to it than bribing your loved one with chocolate or jewelry. A good solid marriage takes lots of work, and lots of prayer. There’s truth to the old adage, “A family is only as strong as the marriage inside it.”

Being a woman who has suffered from the heartache of divorce, I know how quickly a marriage can go up in flames. With a track record like mine, I thought I would share a few quick do’s and don’ts I learned the hard way. I encourage you to read them over and find one you can start doing or stop doing today.

Don’t…

Say things you will regret later.

There is an old saying, “Think before you speak.” It works wonders!

Put your children’s needs before your husband.

Kind of like the oxygen mask in the airplane…strap one on you and your husband FIRST, before your little ones.

Stew over things.

Men don’t, so we shouldn’t. It only makes things worse.

Gossip with your girlfriends about your husband’s weaknesses.

Ask your friends to pray for you and your husband instead.

Bring up past hurts.

Deal with it once and get over it!

Play the martyr.

There was only one Joan of Arc and it’s not you.

Audition daily for a low-budget soap opera.

Stop the drama, please!

Do…

Pray for him.

Ask for strength to get through the day, and for ways to bless your man.

Respect him.

When you are alone or in a group, respect him. Don’t ever let your children see disrespect.

Bless him.

Before he leaves for work, ask him, “What can I do for you today?”

Spend time with him.

Get a sitter and go out for a cup of coffee. Let him do all the talking.

Think of your husband before your children.

Make his lunch, or pour a cup of coffee for his drive to work. Little things add up to big things.

Make your home his sanctuary from the storms of life.

When you make your home a place of peace your guy will never want to leave.

Make time for a little lovin’.

I know you’re tired, but you’ll be more tired if you’re divorced and working three jobs.

Which one did you choose? Ok, you don’t have to tell me. But, I promise you will be blessed, and so will your husband!

Help! I have no time for me let alone for him AND sex!”

“The doctor said we could start having sex again 6 weeks after the baby was born.  He was more than ready, but I’m exhausted.  Between middle of the night feedings and a 2 year old that hangs on me all the time, I don’t have the energy or the desire for sex.  Why can’t he understand that?”

Over the past couple of months several of you have posted similar questions to me.

Sometimes our husbands feel abandoned after the babies start coming.  Yes, those precious little ones need our love and attention, especially during those first few months of life.  We’d never say to the baby, “I’m too tired to feed you, please just go to sleep and I’ll give you some attention another day.”  So we just naturally assume that our husbands understand that romance has to take a back burner for a while.

Nothing could be further from the truth.  If we neglect our marriage for the sake of the children, we won’t have a marriage when the children are grown and gone.  Just like the children need nurturing, so do our marriages.

He needs to know you’re still crazy about him.  And deep down, you know you still want to know he thinks you’re hot!

According to a survey of almost six thousand parents by Parenting magazine, 80 percent of husbands and wives agree that their sex life had suffered as a result of having children.  In our new role as mothers, sometimes sleep sounds better than sex.

To make sex a priority, you don’t have to run out and buy a romantic getaway trip for two to Hawaii. (Although it would be nice!)  With a little creativity, you can plan innovative excursions at home.

1. Reclaim your bedroom for sex. No longer make it the gathering place for the entire family.  Yes, it’s warm and cozy, but you need a quiet place for just the two of you.  The children have rooms to play in and there’s other areas of your home in which to play with the children, but your bed is just for the two of you.

Also, establish a bed time for your preschool children and stick to it!  There is no need for little ones to be staying up until 9 or 10:00 at night (babies excluded, of course).   They need to be in their beds by 8:00 so that you and your husband have time alone.

Now, I know there are exceptions, especially when there’s a baby involved.  It’s important to have the baby next to your bed in a bassinet. It makes night feedings much simpler plus you can check on her during the night.

I know there may be some of you that are proponents of the family bed concept.  I am not.  I’ve read about it, known people that have raised their children that way, and I still don’t see the value of it.

If you feel this is  too extreme and you hate giving up cozy times in your bed, try restricting family gatherings in your bedroom to once a month. Or consider an alternative, like a family slumber party in the living room or a family read-a-thon in your kid’s bedroom.  Do what is comfortable for you, but make certain your children understand the need to respect your marriage bed as a sacred place set apart for the two of you.

2. Bedroom rendezvous. Now that your bedroom is your own again, plan a once-a-month bedroom extravaganza. Schedule the evening far in advance so you have time to plan and anticipate. Then take him to a place he’s never been before, right in your bedroom!  Create an exotic Caribbean ambiance by spreading two beach towels on the floor. Surround the towels with beach paraphernalia: beach balls, sunglasses, and bottles of coconut-scented suntan lotion. Whip up some tropical drinks, purchase a grass skirt and an “ocean sounds” tape, and aloha the evening away. 

3. Home dates. Limited finances are never a reason to say no to dates.  If grandparents don’t live nearby, then make arrangements with another couple who is committed to keeping romance in their marriage as well.  Once a month you will keep their children for a few hours in exchange for them keeping your children for the same amount of time.  Have some quality alone time at home.

Don’t fall into the lure of  becoming distracted on a project around the house or watching TV.  Focus solely on your lover.

4. Saturday morning fun. Hire a babysitter to take the kids to the park for two hours while you and your husband enjoy time at home alone.  Soak in a bubble bath together or give each other massages.  It will be hard to decide who had more fun on this morning—the kids or you and your husband.

5. An anniversary escape. Extend the boundaries of physical passion beyond the walls of your home by regularly planning romantic getaways.  With little ones underfoot, getting away for a weekend may seem impossible, but even couples with caregiver restrictions and budget limitations can get away once a year for their anniversary. All it requires is a bit of advance planning.

6. Date Night. Schedule an adult time-out twice a month.  Hire a baby-sitter, or if your budget is tight, arrange to “kid swap” with another couple. Pinch pennies and go out to dinner someplace other than McDonald’s. Look your best and wear your husband’s favorite perfume, instead of Eau de Baby Wipes. Slip into a silk blouse without any drool marks. Revel in the freedom of being able to walk into a restaurant carrying a classy purse instead of a bulky diaper bag. Plan to do something that’s fun for both of you, but make sure you spend time looking into your husband’s eyes and talking about something other than the children.

By doing these things, you are sending this message to your husband: Being with you is a priority.

Parts of this article are adapted from Intimate Issues Copyright © 1999 by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus.  Used by permission of WaterBrook Press, Colorado Springs, CO. All rights reserved.

“My beloved speaks and says to me, Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.” Song of Solomon 2:10 Amplified

In early March of last year, my husband and I felt the need to find a place to hide-a-way. We don’t have children underfoot, and we are the only occupants of our country house, yet the call to “come away” was echoing in both of our hearts.  We needed to disconnect from normal and reconnect with each other and our God.  After some online exploration I discovered an adults only resort in a provincial park a five hour drive away.  The idea of a private Jacuzzi in front of a warm and crackling fire appealed to our romantic natures.

This was the view of the still snow covered lake from the enclosed porch of our cabin.  In the silence we were able to quiet ourselves and spend time with our Lord, for in His Word He calls to us,  “Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10 NIV

There was a kitchen stocked with all the tools we needed to prepare meals together. We’re so used to sleeping in a queen size bed we nearly lost each other in the king! How appropriate, since getting lost in our King was the purpose of the trip!!

We spent time in worship, in prayer, in reflection and also joyously drew closer to each other as man and wife. I’d like to share a few key points that made this a successful retreat:

• We purposed in our hearts even during the planning process that this would be a time set apart for God and each other.
• We prayed that we would not be tempted by the distraction of television, and instead brought alone some teaching dvds we hadn’t had time to watch at home.
• We cooked together, sharing the work and the fun of creative meal preparation.
• We gave each other quiet time alone with the Lord.
• We talked.
• We listened.
• We learned yet again that the best way to love each other well is to love Jesus more.

Do you sense the Lord calling you away together? Even if you can’t travel, you can experience His refreshing and peace by following the steps above.

May you be blessed as you fall in love all over again.

Karin (HisFireFly) is a sold out disciple of Jesus Christ learning more each day what it means to abide in Him. She desires to walk in radical obedience to His voice and prays that her life brings glory to The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit.

Karin and her beloved husband live in rural Manitoba with their dog Faith and various barn cats on 20 beautiful acres the Lord has provided for them.

Stop by for a visit at Flickers of a Faithful FireFly Karin’s personal blog about Jesus, love, prayer, and life in rural Canada.

Welcome to the Marriage Channel’s Zesty Friday.  This is the day we link up with Patty and Heidi’s Adding Zest to Your Nest website.

If you’ve never visited them before, let me assure you it is a safe place for Christian women to discuss, learn and grow in the area of sexuality.  There is a nice balance between the actual physical union and the spiritual concept of intimacy with the Lord and our husband.

This being Valentine’s Day weekend, I wanted to be sure and offer you some romantic tips specially designed for this holiday.

• Be His is written for those wives that struggle with the fact that Valentine’s Day doesn’t even register on their husband’s radar screen.  There’s some wonderful tips here on how to make it romantic regardless.
• 10 Ideas: Surprising Ways to Increase Romance ~ This one is found in the archives of FamilyLife today.  Does your character need to be attractive to your spouse?  Find out by reading this article.
• Why Sex Is So Important to Your Husband also comes from the archives of FamilyLife.  It’s actually part of a chapter from Dennis and Barbara Rainey’s book, “Rekindling the Romance.”

Enjoy your sweet romantic retreat with your hubby this weekend.  Keep adding zest to your nest.

Valentine’s Day is a time of year where we can find out if a marriage is living the glass half full or half empty.  Some marriages see Valentine’s Day for love and romance while others will complain it’s a Hallmark conspiracy.

My post today is for both those marriage glasses.

Please check out, bookmark, and share these excellent marriage resources. Links included for your convenience. We welcome your comments for additional information.

The Love Dare Group at Christian Women Take Root:
Yes, I admit, I moderate this group. That’s not why I’m talking about it. I’m writing because The Love Dare is a transforming book for hearts and marriages if we allow God to use it. The ladies are finding out when we try it on our own, it’s tempting to quit and hard to stay accountable. The Love Dare group has daily discussions to enhance the experience. There are also prayer request discussions, accountability partner options, and chat information. Members aren’t required to post discussions but just know there is safety in numbers. I”m living proof of the power of transformation through The Love Dare. It’s ongoing so it’s always a perfect time to join.

Revive Our Hearts: Nancy Leigh DeMoss has excellent marriage resources. My favorite is the 30 day husband challenge.

FamilyLife: The entire site has wonderful marriage resources but I also recommend the marriage conferences. We started going to them as an engaged couple and I’m certain the conferences gave us the principles to help us keep our heads above water through everything. I can’t say enough about how I love this ministry.

Crosswalk.com: They have a channel dedicated to marriage full of articles, forums, and newsletters to subscribe to. My personal favorite is the newsletter Loving Actions.

Dr. Kevin Leman: Don’t let his calm, grandpa look deceive you. He is a noted marriage expert who isn’t afraid to be authentic when it comes to marriage and family. I personally admire a guy who isn’t afraid to write a book called Sex Starts in the Kitchen. He has a heart for oneness I think you’ll enjoy.

Will and Pam Farrel: They have a lot of relationship books but the one that revolutionized our marriage was Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti.

Dr. Gary Chapman: His book, The Five Love Languages is a classic and the contents pop up in nearly every marriage related meeting I attend. I also recommend reading about the seasons of marriage and his book on forgiveness languages.

Drs. Les and Leslie Parrot: They are full of great information and lessons from their own marriage. Don’t you just love that they have the same name?

Love and Respect: Simple words, not so easy application. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs teaches principles that can make a positive transformation in marriage.

Love and War: John and Stasi Eldredge’s latest book is their transparent look at marriage.  They got me on page one with these two words: Fabulously Hard.

Marriage from a Distance: God blessed me with a wonderful friendship with Jennifer Miller when we both lived in Upstate NY and attended Mothers of Preschoolers. We’re both in different states but we both are married to men named Tom who are computer whizzes who are also either a pilot or wishes they were. Jennifer’s marriage is from a distance because of her husband’s travel for work and it’s tough. God has put on her heart to encourage wives.

Married Single Moms: Carla Anne Coroy is someone I met years ago before she moved, and she is full of encouragement and information for wives who are married but parenting alone due to husband’s work or other circumstances.

Adding Zest to Your Nest: Right here Exemplify Online carries great posts from our own Patty Wysong. I love this site so much I recommend you subscribe and follow Patty and Heidi as they take you where no one else has dared in Christian marriage. Trust me. I had so much fun writing a guest post over there on “the nooner“.

Exemplify Online Marriage Channel: I know, preaching to the choir, right? Well perhaps you stumbled on this site. I don’t believe in accidents, and I believe you and your marriage will benefit by subscribing to this channel.

Photo courtesy Photobucket

Welcome to the Marriage Channel’s Zesty Friday.  This is the day we link up with Patty and Heidi’s Adding Zest to Your Nest website.

If you’ve never visited them before, let me assure you it is a safe place for Christian women to discuss, learn and grow in the area of sexuality.

This week, Patty encourages us to enter Focus on the Families contest, “Why I Want to Grow Old With You.”  Here’s the link to the contest.   You will write right ther on the Focus site, they even have a Passion Meter to rate what your writing!  Whoa-WHOO!!!    Hurry on over there, it’s over February 11th!

Either before or after you write your passionate love letter to your husband, continue to hang around over at Focus on the Family.  There’s an article over their called “God’s Design for Sex.” I highly recommend it.

Be sure to etch out some time this weekend to enjoy your manly man.

Please remember our Marriage Q & A will be Wednesday, February 17.  Please feel free to send in your question(s) to me at ExemplifyMarriageEditor@gmail.com .   All questions will be answered confidentially.