Singles

There is this part of me, the part that is a wee bit of a perfectionist, a smidgen competitive and just a tad bit of control freak. It’s the same part of me that makes a list and checks it twice, that can’t stand losing a game of well, anything, the one that has a mental list of how many of my college friends are already married and how many are still single. She is a bit of a green monster, but I swear she is the most stylish and well behaved monster you would ever hope to meet. Don’t worry; I don’t let her out too often. Except when I do.

Where this side of me really get’s to shine is when I get to comparing myself to other people. That list of friend’s who are married and who aren’t? That’s just one of many levels of this game I play. When more people are on the single list with me than on the married list, I’m winning. Not that I don’t wish any of my friend’s true happiness. I most certainly do. I would just like it if they were happy after me. I told you she’s a bit of a green monster. Ahem.

I thought about my little game of comparison as I was reading John 21 the other day. In this chapter Jesus asks Peter three times if Peter loves him or not. Each time Peter answers and after the third time Jesus goes into some detail about the kind of life and death Peter was going to have as a result of following Jesus. Then Peter does something that I can totally relate too. Instead of taking the news of his own walk with Jesus to heart, he turns back to John and asks Jesus about him. “When Peter saw him, he asked, “Lord, what about him?” Jesus answered, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.” John 21:21-22 NIV

I thought about Peter’s question, about wanting to know in a sense, if John would be in the same boat as Peter, suffering and dying a similar death. I don’t know if he was jealous, or if he was concerned, but either way, I love Jesus’ response. It was basically, “Does it matter? This is about you and me. What are you going to do?”

After reading this passage in John 21, I felt like God was showing me that all my comparisons, looking to others to see if my own life measures up, seriously hinders what He has in store for me.

God has a plan for me. God has a plan for you. Sometimes our paths run a bit parallel, and I think God can use those times for us to be encouragers for each other. But I’m not supposed to take my eyes of my path to check out someone else’s to see if I measure up. God custom designed my life for me. He calls out, “Follow me!” to each one of us. When I want my life to look like someone else’s then I’ve missed what God has ordained. And I don’t want to miss it.

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My friend B met a guy at the beginning of last year on a dating website.  From the beginning he was different.  He went out of his way to show her he liked her.  As the relationship progressed over the year she grew and so did he.  As Christmas night gave way to the next day we sat in her car with our friend S and she told us they had picked out a ring but were not engaged yet.  It was coming though.  I was so thrilled for her!  Deep down there remained a question….when will it be my turn.

Lesson number one:  It’s not about you. After that night I had a week to think about it before the news of the engagment was real.  In that week I learned valuable lesson number one.  I removed myself from the equation.  It was never about me but about her.  Once I removed myself from the equation I was able to rejoice with her and enjoy the news and excitement.

Lesson number two:  Having the right guy in your life helps you grow. As I have watched her plan the wedding the last few months I have seen such peace and joy radiate from her.  She has confidence in who she is and in who they are as a couple.  He brings out the very best in her.

Lesson number three: Encouraging her is one of the best gifts you can give her. I never realized how discouraging wedding planning can be.  So many different voices of opinion were coming at B along with what she wanted that she began to stress out.  It was a joy to pour into her and encourage her as she was planning her special day.

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.  1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NIV)

Lesson number four:  Be there for her.  Be who she needs you to be.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  Colossians 3:12 (NIV)

Clothe yourself as Colossians tells us too…and wear those sassy shoes too!   In encouraging B I learned I need to clothe myself in those beatutiful things Colossians speaks of.  There are times she needed someone to be compassionate, other times she needed kindness and love or gentleness and patience.  By clothing myself in these things I was able to be there for her and be who she needed me to be.

Most importantly I I learned to bind all of the lessons up in the most important thing of all….

Love.

This week has been set aside on Exemplify Online as a week of intentional prayer.  Each channel focusing in and letting you know how to pray for families, marriages, and others in our life.

To be honest at times being single feels a great deal like being left out.  That is one reason why I love being a small part of the Exemplify singles team.  To hope that in some way we are encouraging those who are single and letting them know they are not alone.  At times it can be overwhelming to be a single girl surrounded by family and friends that are married and have families.  Often it can become a place where we are constantly being set up or being questioned about when we are going to get married.

I have listed some general prayer requests for singles below but one of the greatest things you could do for the single ladies in your life is go to them and ask them specifically if there is anything you can pray about with them.  Sometimes one of our greatest enemies is discouragement.  Encourage goes a long way in a single girls life.

- An intimate relationship with our first true love, Jesus. As a single girl we can sometimes get caught up in wanting our earthly true love that we neglect our first true love.  You could pray that the single girls in your life experience an intimacy with Christ that fills their whole heart.

- Peace. Sometimes a single girl can feel less than peaceful about our situation.  We can question out situation and wonder many things about our worth as a woman and as a future wife.

- Love. Maybe the love of a husband…or just the love of those around us.  Mostly that we know we are loved by our God.  Sometimes it can feel lacking in our lives.  We all want love and their are many different aspects of it but as a single girl we need to learn to experience His love first followed by earthly love.

- Patience. Ahh the big one.  I know when talking to many single friends this is the hardest one.  Especially when at times we are surrounded by those getting married or married.  Or those having a baby or have a lovely family.  It can get lonely.  We constantly wonder when it will be our time.  We rack our brains trying to come up with things we can change so it might finally be our time.  Sometimes it is just about waiting.  So many single women are in a season of Wait.  If you have ever been in a season of wait you too know how hard it can be.

Things to Pray for the Single Mom:

I asked Paula for a list of a few things you could pray for the Single Moms and she suggested the following…

-Patience to deal with an ever changing child.

- Strength and energy to do all the things that a mum AND dad usually do.

- Wisdom to instruct the children in a Godly way.

- For His provision in health, safety and money.

There are many more things you can pray for the single girl about and I really do suggest if you have one in your life to take some time and ask her for specifics…you will bless her tremendously and bring her heart closer to yours.

Blessings to you as your pray today.

If I were to write a book about some of the counsel I have received over the years from well-meaning brothers and sisters in Christ about singleness; I would have a best seller on my hands. I mean it. I would never have to work again. I have just about heard it all – things like:

“You need to look at yourself in the mirror first thing every morning and say that you are a good thing to be found, then he will come.”

“You need to make a detailed list of everything you want in a husband and pray it everyday then he will come”

“You need to buy in bulk. God will not send a husband to a woman who runs out of toilet paper. Get a Sam’s Club membership and then he will come” (I so wish I was kidding!)

Like I said, they meant well. In fact, there is some wisdom in each statement, even the one about the toilet paper. Still my heart continued to question and wonder. It was, and sometimes still is, a care for me.

While I do not believe that there is one solution that works for all of us, I know that God’s Word works for everyone. That is why I am so excited to share what God just shared with me. As I was preparing to write, God took me to 1 Peter 5:7 “Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.” I have heard this verse several times before, but today it jumped out at me so I decided to study it further.

I looked up the word ‘cast’. It comes from a Middle English word that means to heap. Interesting. Webster says to cast is to throw off or away; to get rid of. I also noted that this word applies to ALL our cares, not just the ones we think God is interested in. Truth be told, He is interested in whatever concerns us.

Another thing that stood out to me is that He cares for me and that is why I can trust Him with my cares. How great is that? Just in case I was tempted to doubt His care, He backed it up with scripture:

• “The LORD your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” (Zephaniah 3:17)
• “For the LORD takes pleasure in His people…” (Psalm 149:4)
• “You number my wanderings; put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book?” (Psalm 56:8)

If these scriptures are any indication, there there is no denying that God is crazy about us! Does this excite anyone else like it excites me?! Please excuse me while I take a 30-second praise break right here!!

And I’m back! Knowing God’s heart toward us gives us confidence to know we can trust Him with our cares and even with our very hearts. Don’t you just love Him?

What I am learning is that this is a process. Casting comes with practice. Just as a fisherman has to learn to cast his line, we need to learn to cast our cares; it only comes by doing. If you are like me and have your PhD in worrying, it also takes time. As we continue to practice casting our cares it gets easier until eventually it becomes second nature. It is not always easy, but there is comfort in knowing that no matter what it sounds like, feels like, or looks like He is perfecting everything that concerns us including our future mate (Psalm 138:8) and that, my friends, is good news!

All scripture references are from the New King James version of the Holy Bible.

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Hello my favorite SSBs!  I hope this month has gone well for each of you.

It’s time to link up again and this months topic?

What has God taught you so far this year?

I feel as if He is teaching me everything!  What a whirlwind the last 5 months have been.  I have learned so much about His character…and mine.  I have learned the difference of What I am versus Who I am.  I never realized what a big difference there was….and why it is so important.  I have learned to laugh and to cry and to respond honestly to things.  He has lead me past my insecurities into a place I have never been.  A place of trust and peace.  A place of security I have never known before.

I am learning…and He is teaching me….

not to be such a people pleaser and that it is okay to think of you sometimes.

to be a better friend.

what it means to truly love.

to wait.  Patiently.

it’s the little things that matter and those are the things that bring the most beauty into our lives.

a broken heart really hurts but not only will not kill you but will make you stronger.

silence is beautiful.

He directs every step down the right path…if I trust Him.

His plans may not fit or seem strange but they are always Perfect.

His Word is a Light unto my Path.

how to go through the junk in my heart and with His help…clean it out!

to process through things with my writing.

my worth is not dependent on anyone or anything.

we can grow by leaps and bounds but still have plenty of growing left to do.

I am not my singleness and it does not define me.  But it does have some pretty amazing gifts.

even in the midst of some of the hardest times He gives you small gifts for the journey.

my story is still in the beginning chapters and it is going to be an AMAZING story.

I could go on and on because I truly am learning so much from our God.

Now it’s your turn!

Just write your post on your own blog then come back here and link up below!  I cannot wait to read what God has been teaching you.  We will do this topic again in a few months because I think it is one of the most encouraging topics to not only write about but to read too!

Do you have a suggestion for June’s topic?  Leave it in the comments!

By the way I hope to have our very own SSB Link Up button next month That will be different from our SSB blog badge!

I feel that is so important to finish up our discussion from last month about sex and the single girl. We are going to talk about two things today. There is something that often gets looked overlooked in the Christian world of singleness. It is considered taboo and not often talked about.
Masturbation.
Is it right? Is it wrong? Does the Bible say anything about it?
Secondly we are going to continue the discussion of consequences.

This is just my opinion but here goes…

I feel that masturbation is wrong for us as single Christian women. There are several reasons for this.
First, more often than not some type of pornography is involved in this act. Sometimes photos or videos but more often, words. Women are more likely to seek out erotic stories to provide the fantasy of romance and love….and lust.

If pornography and fantasy are not involved then to me it becomes an issue of self gratification. Sexual things are not meant for us alone. We talked about this last month. I again will point you to 1 Corinthians 6:12-20. Sex is meant for marriage. Masturbation is considered a sexual act. You are gaining a sexual release. That is the intent and purpose of it. So Biblically I feel that God does address this issue…in a roundabout way.

Lastly we are told to live by the Spirit. Romans 13:14 tells us not to give into our flesh (sinful nature). We are told again in Galatians 5:16, and Ephesians 2:3. We are to put clothe ourselves in Christ.

There are many other reasons I could list, guilt, feeling a separation between you and God, more sexual thoughts. The desire for masturbation will increase as you commit the act. All of these things could lead to other consequences.

My final thought is a question to leave you with about masturbation is this……Is masturbation clothing yourself in Christ?

Now many of you asked me some questions about consequences which we went into a little bit last month.

We all sin.
We all fall short. (Romans 3:23)

It’s important to remember God wants the best for us.  Sometimes when we continually choose something that is not the best there can be consequences for our actions.  Of course there is always the chance to correct those choices too. Just as in life bad choices have consequences so does sin.  I have no idea what God deems as consequences are as they are up to Him.  I so believe He wants what is best for us and that includes the consequences so we will not continue in those sins.

Sadly many times God’s shuts doors or removes things (and people) and we think those are consequences for actions when it is just God moving us toward the path He has for us.  He is also full of mercy and grace and compassion for us.

If you are pursing Christ just as He pursues us.  In pursuing Him He is going to remove things from our lives.  That’s good!  It means becoming more intimate with Him.

You are going to sin.  At times there may be consequences.  There may be lessons to be learned.  Most importantly it is about becoming closer to Him.  That is our ultimate goal anyway.

If you have a question for the Single Q&A email them to sassyexemplifyeditor {at} gmail {dot} com.  All questions are kept confidential.

Also don’t forget about our SSB link up next week…the topic :: What has God taught you so far this year?

I love my Saturdays. I work a full-time job throughout the week, and then on Sundays I’m committed half the day to church and church related activities. But Saturdays? They are mine, all mine! Most of the time I sleep until I can’t sleep anymore, but other times I am very ambitious and wake up early in the morning. If it’s spring or summer I do this so I can spend extra time in my backyard working on my flowerbeds. If it’s any other time of the year it’s probably so I can make a quick road trip complete with the works: movies, dinner, and shopping! But really, my Saturdays are a free for all. If I want to stay at home and sit on the couch all day watching the food network, then I do. If I want to redecorate my bedroom and paint the walls a soft sunny yellow, then I do. As a single woman, I am free to do whatever I want, whenever I want. As much as I want to marry and have children one day, I have to admit I absolutely adore this side of the single person’s coin.

What I don’t want, however, is for my love of a good Saturday (and all the me time that goes with it) to become a source of selfishness that drowns out the rest of my life. So with another weekend looming (tomorrow, ya’ll!), this is what I’ve been pondering.

Am I selfish?

Selfishness is such an ugly word. Like gossip and lying and other such pet sins of many Christians, we have a tendency to sweep these things under the rug when company is over and only bring them out when we think no one’s paying attention. But sin somehow always finds its way into the light. For me, the way I spend my free time is a pretty good indicator of my selfish tendencies. Having lived as long as I have as a single woman it’s become pretty easy to indulge my selfish side. After all, I don’t have to worry about pleasing anyone else but me when I have that television remote in my hand. And with a wide open social calendar, I can spend my Saturday’s any way I want, right?

As with most issues, it’s never quite that simple. I looked to the scriptures for some advice. The Apostle Paul had some good wisdom on the subject matter found in Galatians 5:16-18 (MSG): “My counsel is this: Live freely, animated and motivated by God’s spirit. Then you won’t feed the compulsions of selfishness. For there is a root of sinful self-interest in us that is at odds with a free spirit, just as the free spirit is incompatible with selfishness. These two ways of life are antithetical, so that you cannot live at times one way and at times another way according to how you feel on any given day. Why don’t you choose to be led by the Spirit and so escape the erratic compulsions of a law-dominated existence?”

I love the Paul tells us to live freely (doesn’t that seem fit for a Saturday?), but to remember to always be motivated by God’s spirit. I know that I don’t want to be a selfish person, single or not. I want to be a spirit led person. One who lives freely and animated. Looking at my love for free time and Saturday’s from God’s standpoint, I have to ask myself, am I letting the Spirit lead my me time? Do I willingly let God have my Saturdays? I could get all legalistic and feel bad about enjoying one day a week for me and me alone, or I could enjoy the rest and simplicity of a day off. I could revel in the dirt and flowers that God made and spend some time worshipping Him in my backyard. I could relax on the couch, thankful for a week well done. But when Saturdays become an all-consuming, it’s all about me love fest, something’s not right.

Sometimes I forget how freeing it is to walk with God. I love when His word shakes up my way of thinking about life, my me time, and my Saturdays. Here’s to a Spirit-led Saturday!