If I were to write a book about some of the counsel I have received over the years from well-meaning brothers and sisters in Christ about singleness; I would have a best seller on my hands. I mean it. I would never have to work again. I have just about heard it all – things like:

“You need to look at yourself in the mirror first thing every morning and say that you are a good thing to be found, then he will come.”

“You need to make a detailed list of everything you want in a husband and pray it everyday then he will come”

“You need to buy in bulk. God will not send a husband to a woman who runs out of toilet paper. Get a Sam’s Club membership and then he will come” (I so wish I was kidding!)

Like I said, they meant well. In fact, there is some wisdom in each statement, even the one about the toilet paper. Still my heart continued to question and wonder. It was, and sometimes still is, a care for me.

While I do not believe that there is one solution that works for all of us, I know that God’s Word works for everyone. That is why I am so excited to share what God just shared with me. As I was preparing to write, God took me to 1 Peter 5:7 “Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.” I have heard this verse several times before, but today it jumped out at me so I decided to study it further.

I looked up the word ‘cast’. It comes from a Middle English word that means to heap. Interesting. Webster says to cast is to throw off or away; to get rid of. I also noted that this word applies to ALL our cares, not just the ones we think God is interested in. Truth be told, He is interested in whatever concerns us.

Another thing that stood out to me is that He cares for me and that is why I can trust Him with my cares. How great is that? Just in case I was tempted to doubt His care, He backed it up with scripture:

• “The LORD your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” (Zephaniah 3:17)
• “For the LORD takes pleasure in His people…” (Psalm 149:4)
• “You number my wanderings; put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book?” (Psalm 56:8)

If these scriptures are any indication, there there is no denying that God is crazy about us! Does this excite anyone else like it excites me?! Please excuse me while I take a 30-second praise break right here!!

And I’m back! Knowing God’s heart toward us gives us confidence to know we can trust Him with our cares and even with our very hearts. Don’t you just love Him?

What I am learning is that this is a process. Casting comes with practice. Just as a fisherman has to learn to cast his line, we need to learn to cast our cares; it only comes by doing. If you are like me and have your PhD in worrying, it also takes time. As we continue to practice casting our cares it gets easier until eventually it becomes second nature. It is not always easy, but there is comfort in knowing that no matter what it sounds like, feels like, or looks like He is perfecting everything that concerns us including our future mate (Psalm 138:8) and that, my friends, is good news!

All scripture references are from the New King James version of the Holy Bible.

“You parents – if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish do you give them a snake? Of course not! So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him?” (Matt. 7:9-11, NLT)

Well ladies, I finally did it. I threw out my “list.”  You know the one – the details about everything I want in a husband. Yeah THAT list. I threw it out because after twenty plus years of writing and rewriting I concluded that God knows what I need better than I do. Now this is not meant to be an indictment of lists in any way. In fact one of my friends got engaged a few months ago and she said her husband to be is everything she had on her list and more, another friend developed a list of 300+ questions (no lie!) that she gave her husband (before he was her husband) and he obviously passed with flying colors, so I know they work.

I think I have said it before, but God deals with each of us on an individual basis because He created each of us to be unique. I remember a season at a church I attended years ago where the co-pastor shared how she and the pastor met at a pancake house one evening. It is a beautiful story, but can you guess where all the single women started hanging out? Yep, at the IHOP!!! So many had missed the point. She was not sharing her story so that everyone could run out and do the same thing, rather it was a testimony about how God worked in her life. So, while lists work very well for some women, they are not necessarily meant for all of us. In my case I honestly believe that this single journey has been about building my level of trust in God. Like all of us, I have no problems trusting Him in some areas and huge problems trusting him in others. I am thinking this journey is about bringing me to the place where I can trust Him across the board in EVERYTHING right down to the man He has for me.

God deals with me in scripture because I am the type that needs to see it in the Word. So He took me to the verse above in Matthew 7:9-11 to remind me of His nature and His heart toward me. He desires to do me good – sometimes I forget that. He took me to Jeremiah 29:11 and to remind me that He has a plan for me and it is meant for my good and not for evil. He also reminded me that He is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all I can ask or think (or LIST) (Ephesians 3:20). Then He asked me where I wanted to place my trust – in Him, or in my list… It took some doing, but I chose to put my trust in God and I am pretty sure I made the right choice! I can’t be 100% sure, but I thought I heard heaven say “About time!” when I finally let go. You know what? I still have a list, but there is only one thing on it – that God would send me a man after His own heart, who loves and trusts Him. I figure all the other stuff (and some extra stuff) will be included.

So that’s my story and I share to encourage you to make sure you use your time of singleness to build up your trust level in God in which ever way He gives you to do it. Take it from me, resisting Him only makes the journey longer and harder than it has to be. My prayer is that you would hear from God about what you should do as you are waiting, and that you would go with His flow!

Be blessed.

“He maketh me to lie down in green pastures, he restoreth my soul.” Psalm 23:2 (KJV)

I love how God relates to each of us in a way that is specific to who He made us. In my case, I am very much a music person so He often speaks to me through song lyrics. Today was no exception. As I sat in front of a blank computer screen a song from my childhood came to mind out of the blue. I could hear my kindergarten class singing, “And the green grass grew all around, all around; and the green grass grew all around!” Okayyy God, where exactly are we going with this one?

On second thought, maybe it was not so “out of the blue” after all (although I may need to have a discussion with God about song choice… but I digress). God continues to teach me how I can be content in all things including, or maybe especially, my marital state. Through a silly children’s song He showed me that whether I am married, single, divorced, or widowed, the green grass of His love is all around me.

I cannot tell you how many times I have slipped into what I call “greener-on-the-other-side” mode. Yes, it is true, the grass over there, where ever our “there” may be, is green, but it is also green right where I am. The problem comes in when I choose to focus on my neighbor’s grass (the way He manifests His love in their lives). When I do this I miss out on enjoying my own grass. I miss the love He offers me because I am busy wishing He would offer it to me the same way He has offered it to someone else. Instead of enjoying the green pastures and the rest that God intends for me, I pout and fret over what does not belong to me. What a colossal waste of time!

Focusing on someone else’s green grass also causes me to neglect the maintenance and upkeep that go along with having a green grass. In the natural that will leave me with a dry and unsightly lawn (like the ones in our neighborhood during this past DRY summer… oops, digressing again!). In the physical it makes for a dry relationship with God. It causes the unsightliness of anger, jealousy, and bitterness to creep in (and out); all of which are so attractive to the male of the species – NOT!

So, I am learning to keep my focus on the green grass right where I am. I am learning to cherish it, take care of it, and enjoy it. In the process, I can admire someone else’s grass, I can even learn from observing how they care for it. I do this all the time when I observe my married friends. I make a mental notes of the things I would like to have in a husband or that I would like to be as a wife. I don’t just do this in terms of marriage. I also observe how the people in my life walk with God and make mental notes of areas that I can work on to make my own walk better.  I believe that is why we are in one another’s lives, to learn from one another. The diversity of our experiences brings enrichment to life.

So my prayer is that we would find joy in the fact that no matter where we find ourselves at any given moment, knowing that the green grass of God’s love grows ALL around!

Call me crazy, but I am convince that the “pause” button is one of mankind’s greatest inventions! I love the fact that I can stop a movie when I need to step away, come back, press pause again, and pick up right where I left off.  I was practically beside myself when the technology that makes it possible to pause live television was released!! I am not sure what the fascination is exactly… perhaps it is the fact that for a moment in time there is something that revolves solely around me. It is a thing of beauty. Well a few years ago I put my life on pause without even realizing what I was doing. Allow me to explain.

I consider myself a very giving person with a lot of love to offer. Unfortunately along the way I sometimes chose to offer it to the wrong people. After ending up hurt and disappointed one time too many, I made a decision somewhere in my subconscious, to put that part of me on hold. In essence my plan was to put that loving part of me on pause and save it all up for when my prince finally came along… When that happened, then I would finally be free to lavish all the love I had been saving up on him without restraint. I had it all mapped out in my mind and it would be just wonderful!

Here is the problem with that kind of thinking. It completely discounted the people in my life right now who need to experience the love of God through me… If I kept my love on pause, how could I be an extension of God’s love for someone else? Not only that, but who is to say that after years of having love on pause, I would even know how to lavish it on my prince? Love is something you learn and develop with practice, which means you can also get out of practice. As I pondered the implications I realized just how selfish I was being. In the interest of self preservation, I had somehow made this love thing all about me. Somewhere in the recesses of my mind, I heard Kathy Triccoli’s voice singing, “I am not my own. I belong to you…” Well great!

Not being particularly fond of conviction, I opted to change my plan. No, I do not have a husband at the moment, but God has filled my live with a loving supportive family and friends that deserve all of me just as they give me all of themselves. No, I do not have children, but I have nieces and nephews galore, both blood relatives and those acquired along the way, who I can lavish my love on.  Lest I forget, there are also strangers that I encounter every day who may need a friendly smile or a kind word to help them keep going. If I put my love on pause I would miss out on so many opportunities to be the vessel of love that God designed me to be. I would miss the opportunities to show others that God cares about them. Sure, there is risk involved. Of course I may get hurt in the process of loving, but it’s worth it in the grand scheme of things. So I took a deep breath and pressed pause again. I got back into the business of loving.

I encourage you today not to allow your singleness, your hurt, your disappointment or anything else cause you to put any aspect of your life on pause. God had put something in you that the world around you needs. Do not hold back. And if you find that you have put your love on hold, like I did, may I respectfully suggest that you press pause again let your life’s purpose play out to the fullest?   You will be so glad you did!

A man has joy by the answer of his mouth, And a word spoken in due season, how good it is!

( Proverbs 15:23 NKJV)

I was disillusioned, disappointed, doubtful. After so many years of praying, believing, confessing… nothing! My words, my requests, my pleas seemed to hit the ceiling and return to me empty. Eventually I stopped speaking, stopped asking, stopped pleading… after all what was the point? I was tired. Maybe I just wasn’t meant to be married…

I swallowed my disappointment and moved on. All was going along just fine until the morning God decided it was time to reopen the subject. Instantly I could feel the walls of protection I had built over the years go up. (As if one can “protect” herself from God!) I so didn’t want to go down this road again. I couldn’t go there again. Besides I was doing just fine, wasn’t I?

He began to minister to me; reminding me of prayers prayed, tears cried, hopes dashed. It seemed so pointless to rehash all of this… I listened, but refused to speak. I didn’t have anything to say. This time though, as I revisited my place of pain, I saw something I hadn’t seen before. I saw God present for every prayer, catching every tear, and walking me through every disappointment. He showed me that in all of this, He’s been leading me somewhere… somewhere that would answer every prayer, wipe away every tear and fulfill every hope. There was only one thing He wanted me to do. He said simply, “Ask me again.”

Was He kidding me?. I couldn’t do that! I couldn’t bring myself to open my mouth about a husband again. I just couldn’t. My lips felt like magnets sealed together. A battle waged within me. My spirit wanted to obey, to ask again and see what God would do next, but my flesh had bells and whistles and red lights flashing warnings to me – “don’t do it!” “Remember what happened before?” “Don’t put yourself through it again?”

Again God said quietly…

“Ask me again.”

I was silent.

“You have not because you ask not.”

I couldn’t get my mouth to work. (fear is a nasty opponent)

“You still haven’t said anything…”

At this point everything on the inside of me was screaming, “I’m trying, Lord! I want to but I’m afraid!!!”

“Ask me again.”

Finally with tears streaming down my face and heart pounding hard and fast in my chest I forced my mouth open and managed to utter my request one more time. The freedom and release that followed defy description. I felt my walls come down and I knew in that instant that a part of my relationship with God had been restored.

I’d love to say that I woke up the next day and met my husband, but I did not. At least he hasn’t manifested in the physical sense yet, but I’m expecting him any day because I asked again. I know now God is taking me somewhere and that’s enough for me now. In fact even if I never see it come to pass, I am ok. I’m just grateful to a God who takes the time to walk through with me. Asking again was one of the hardest things I’ve been called on to do, but I’m glad I did because God restored my faith, my joy and my hope.

We’ve all be disappointed with God at one time or another. It’s part of the human/Divine experience. I can’t begin to answer the why’s of your individual situation, and I would never try, but I will offer this. Maybe God is saying the same thing to you that He said to me that morning – “Ask Me Again?” I know it’s painful, and scary, and you don’t want to go there again. That’s only natural. May I encourage you to try Him one more time and let Him prove Himself to you. Let Him bring healing to your places of disappointment and restore your faith, your joy, your hope…

Will you ask again?

“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning.”  James 1:17 (NKJV)

I love giving and receiving presents. There is nothing like the expression on a loved one’s face as they open something that you took time to pick out just for them; or the joy you feel when you open a gift that was chosen specifically with you in mind. Gifts speak to the relationship between the giver and the receiver.

That is why I was certain I had heard wrong as I sat in a Christian meeting some years ago and heard the phrase “the gift of singleness” for the first time. I was incredulous and I know it registered all over my face. In my head all kinds of bells, whistles and alarms were sounding off.

“Come again, Mr Speaker?” I thought to myself, “Surely you see what an oxymoron that is!” I do not remember anything that happened after that point. I sat through the rest of the service in stunned silence. Later, back at home, I drifted off to sleep still mulling over the words that to me seemed as compatible as oil and water.

I should probably mention that at this point in my life I was in my early 20s and I had just ‘endured’ the first of many rounds of a majority in my circle of friends getting married. Don’t get me wrong, I was truly happy for all of them, but not so happy for me. I felt overlooked and being left behind. I also felt a profound sense of  loneliness and rejection’. Suffice it to say that I was feeling anything BUT “gifted.”

In the weeks that followed, that phrase, “the gift of singleness” continued to plague me. Nothing about the prospect of being single for the rest of my life could be considered a gift… No matter how I looked at it I could not find anything positive in being single. How could this be a gift?  Most important, what did this gift say about the relationship between the Giver and me?

I have grown quite a bit since that time though I still have moments when I can’t see anything “gifty” (my own word!) about singleness. For the most part I am content, because I got a different perspective of the Giver. You see, all the time that I was thinking God was keeping something from me, it turns out He was actually keeping me from something. If I had taken some of the opportunities that came my way; if I had leaned on my own understanding and trusted my own wisdom… I shudder at the thought!

My encouragement to you who are wondering what your singleness says about how God feels about you is to rest in the knowledge that you are the apple of God’s eye (Ps 17:8; Zech 2:8). Know that you are so precious in His sight that he cannot allow you to be with just anyone for the sake of being married. He is saving you for someone special. In the mean time you belong to the one who is most Special of all! It may not always feel like it, but singleness is in fact a gift from a loving Father to his precious daughter.

Blessings to you!